I look at this photo and my heart swells with love and gratitude over these sweet faces. I can see the adventure that is just naturally there in their eyes, their gentle spirits, their bold and fearless sense of wonder and their sweet and sensitive souls...my boys, my sweet sweet boys...I'm a mom of boys. Soon to be three boys.
It's a weird thing to process, the idea that I will only have boys. Having to process through my ideas of what I thought my family would look like has been a lot harder than I expected. If I'm being honest, I felt a part of my heart break when I heard the words "it's a boy." Because all I really heard was "you will not have a daughter". I was sad, broken hearted, I felt like my dreams were shattered and honestly, I was angry. I was angry at God -how could I feel so confident in knowing I was having a girl, the confidence of others feeling I was having a girl, and for Him not preparing my heart to feel joy in that moment I was told I was having a boy. I felt foolish, sad, and I felt selfish. All these emotions hit me at once and I felt overwhelmed and weirdly empty and alone at the same time (and not because I was - my family/friends support is incredible). It was like I couldn't catch a breath. How could I not feel excitement, how could I feel sad, how could I be so selfish?....and then guilt, extreme guilt set in.
How could I, how dare I, have these feelings - I trust that I have a perfectly healthy baby growing inside my perfectly healthy body, I am pregnant - naturally (having had issues getting pregnant with our first and needing medical assistance), and here I was focusing on what I didn't have!? But I realize it has nothing to do with this beautiful baby boy growing inside me, whom I love already, it has everything to do with grieving the ideas and thoughts I had dreamt up my whole life. I am in no way disappointed with my son that will be joining our family in a few short months, however, my heart aches for the daughter I thought I'd one day have. The idea that I won't braid my daughter's hair or place pigtails on her tiny little head, teach her to do her makeup, or buy clothes with glitter and tulle. There won't be any father-daughter dances, or mother-daughter dates, prom dress shopping... or wedding dress shopping. I needed to grieve through these ideas... I still am, and probably will for a while. I sometimes wonder if that feeling will ever go away, and asked Joel just today if he thought my sadness I still feel for the girl I don't have takes away from the genuine gratitude for what I do have.
As I navigate through this season, I know I have , in my heart I feel, the deepest gratitude for this pregnancy, for our baby boy. My feelings that I am struggling through do not take away from how I feel about him. I look forward to the future and I'm working toward getting past this brief season where I feel sadness for the daughter I won't have, and feeling excited for what God has in store with what we do have. It is an honor to be gifted the opportunity to raise, and help shape, strong Godly men. And I pray for my future daughter-in-laws and the relationship that I will have with them, that my husband will have with them, and how they will fill my soul ... I have also already told my husband that we will 100% be buying their wedding dresses to ensure my spot at the fittings ;)
I wrote this for myself to help cull through these feelings, to help heal through the "if onlys", to allow myself grace in this season, and to move through the guilt I feel. I was fearful to put it out there, to be judged or to offend others... but I share it because I know I am not the only one to feel these things, and hope maybe it will offer comfort to even one person.